We’ve all seen it – the false modesty in someone who protests-too-much-methinks when given compliments.
You are simply seeking to be complimentary towards them and say something kind, and it gets batted right back at you, seemingly bouncing off the intended recipient.
For some people, this can be a very deliberate tactic to be attention seeking – protesting in false humility about the kind comment being bestowed on them, which then inevitably leads to further reinforcement of the kindness by the speaker.
Sometimes, there is a genuine inability to receive kindness, for many a reason. Perhaps you know someone who has never been on the receiving end of kind words or affirmation, and therefore doesn’t know their own worth. They can’t see their own goodness, let alone be able to receive someone else’s kind compliments.
This is something I come across with some of the groups I work with, and it breaks me heart. When people have had negative words levelled at them for so long that they form a hard outer shell, breaking through that to enable them to see their own beauty and worth takes time, consistency and perseverance.
This is of course about being genuine.
Genuine people are not overly modest or boastful. They take compliments well.
Genuine people are confident of their strengths, and are comfortably aware of who they are and what they can do. This is neither false modesty – “oh really, no, it was nothing” – nor bragging overconfidence.
It is simple, straightforward humble and realistic assessment on their abilities, based on healthy self awareness.
A couple of examples occur to me here.
I am a huge fan of The Repair Shop, on the television. It is the perfect comfort TV – watching highly skilled craftspeople lovingly and painstakingly repair precious family heirlooms of real emotional value. It ticks a lot of boxes for me.
What I notice is that the craftspeople, when thanked by the grateful and often tearful recipient, simply say
“Thank you.”
These are highly trained, skilled and experienced experts who have worked long and hard to gain the level of expertise that allows them to do what they do. They know their strengths, and are simply and graciously able to accept thanks without adding any qualifiers or excuses. And because they know their strengths and what they CAN do, they are also more able to see what they can’t, and ask a fellow team member to use their unique skills to complete the task.
This beautifully reinforces the collaborative nature of skilled team work. When you know what you CAN do and accept that, but are comfortable in your own skin, it is easier to see where you are less capable, and therefore to seek out the help and support of another. They are then blessed by being the sought-after one, knowing that they have skills that you need.
Everyone wins.
A second situation is along similar lines, as we consider how we receive the kindness and appreciation of others.
How often, when complimented, do you bat the compliment back with an excuse, or a comment designed to play it down?
“That’s a lovely dress, you look really nice in that” – “What this old thing? Nothing else fits”
“Thank you so much for your help, I couldn’t have done it without you” – “Oh it was nothing, I really didn’t do very much.”
You get the idea.
I am sure that you have both used these kinds of responses – we all have – and have been on the receiving end when trying to compliement someone else.
Perhaps instead we can choose to simply accept the compliment with a humble and gracious “thank you” and choose to absorb those kind words.
Going back to the groups I work with, and some of the precious folk for whom kind words flow straight off them like water over bone dry broken land.
Being genuine is crucial here too – consistently and kindly finding ways to affirm who they are and what they can do that are realistic and fair. And to hope that over time, these kind words begin to soak into the hard outer shell with their truth and create a slow awakening in the individual that they are indeed of worth and do indeed have strengths and skills to offer.
So this week, don’t be afraid or ashamed to be who you are and to do what you do well. Accept compliments with a simple thank you, and give specific compliments readily and generously.